Suicide is NOT the end! And how this knowing has helped me deal with my father’s suicide.
This article is dedicated to all those who have transitioned via suicide and to all their loved ones left behind. Your love holds no boundaries and you will be united again. For now live life, love life just as they want you to. Seeing you happy on the earth plane makes them happy in spirit.
October 5th 2009 – The day I lost hope.
The day I forgot my Divinity
The day I forgot my innate power
The day I forgot my pure beauty and magnificence.
The day I took a huge overdose – in excess of 20, 000 milligrams of Paracetamol and waited to die. Some may say it was a cry for help. I can assure you it wasn’t. I was tired, weary and in deep emotional pain. Death seemed like the only option to put an end to the perceived hell I was living in.
You may be wondering how I ended up in such a dark, dismal place. It didn’t happen over- night, I can assure you. It was the result of years of not feeling worthy or good enough.
Like a lot of children I felt different. Like I didn’t quite fit.
On reflection, I realize I grew up with deep rooted emotional issues, which affected my ability to truly love and accept myself.
Outwardly, I appeared happy but that was a mask I often wore to conceal the pain of my breaking heart. Plagued with insecurity, and a deep, unfulfilled need to be loved and accepted; I developed an eating disorder at the age of sixteen. I dabbled in recreational drugs and, in my twenties, suffered with periods of severe fight or flight anxiety and depression.
At times the pain and anguish got so bad, that I couldn’t sleep for weeks at a time. It would literally feel like sheer torture. I remember just wanting to shut my eyes and to never wake up.
Fast forward 7th October 2009 – 72 hours after I had taken the initial overdose I arrived at Wigan General hospital. I waited in A & E and was eventually admitted. Blood tests were taken by the Doctors and I remember the look of horror as they walked back into my cubicle. My medical discharge letter states that I had, in excess of 20,000 milligrams of paracetamol in my body; 5 times over the recommended dose.
So in theory, I should either be dead, or have severe organ damage; but God had other plans.
In hospital I had a profound Near Death Experience, travelled through 7 dimensions, experienced the oneness of the universe, the Power of unconditional Divine Love and had the powerful realisation that there is no judgement, other than what we place on ourselves during our life review and that life is truly eternal. We never die! We do in the physical sense, but our soul and the true essence of who we really are lives on.
Little did I know, that my experience and the knowledge and understanding it gave me would prepare me for one of the most painful experiences I was going to endure in my earthly life. The transition of my father, David Walsh by suicide in September 2015.
The pain I felt when we received the telephone call to say he had hanged himself is indescribable and the repercussions of his passing and my subsequent family breakdown have not been very pleasant. However I truly believe what I learnt during my experience and the subsequent spiritual and healing path I have been on since have helped me to cope with this tragedy in a far more peaceful and dignified manner. I also gain further strength in the knowing that my dad is still very much around me and one day we will be united again.
My dad, like me had always been a highly sensitive soul and very spiritually aware, however he often suppressed that side of himself to fit in with society. Two weeks after he passed, I had an awards ceremony to attend but didn’t really feel like going. However I asked myself, what would dad have wanted me to do and I smiled as I imagined him saying “go princess and shine and sparkle for the night.” I managed to summon up the strength to get ready and set off in in my car to Blackpool. On route I silently asked my dad to give me the biggest sign that he was with me. I pulled up at the car park opposite the venue and as I did, the car park attendant put a cone out and said “sorry love we are full”. I was just about to drive off when the man suddenly turned around, took a second glance, smiled and said “can I tell you something, you look absolutely beautiful tonight. In fact, you look so beautiful I am going to move my car and you can have my spot”. I was completely taken aback and had tears welling up in my eyes. I replied “I cannot tell you what that random act of kindness means. I have just lost my dad and that meant the world. Can you tell me your name so I can thank you in person” and he just looked at me with the biggest grin and said “my name’s Dave”. You guessed it Dave was my dad’s name and I knew in that instant my dad had channelled his unconditional love via this unbeknown car park attendant.
Now some people would say that was just a coincidence and I would reply that our deceased loved ones, God and angels are communicating with us all the time but whether we are open to accepting and receiving these messages is totally down to us and our spiritual awareness.
Losing dad and dealing with the family breakdown has not been an easy process but in many ways it has helped me grow in character. I now recognise, that since childhood, I have been seeking love and acceptance outside of myself when the only person I really needed to seek that from was me. My life experiences to date, including the pain and suffering have made me, who I am and I wouldn’t change a thing. I believe I chose this path coming into this world so that one day I would be in a position to help others with their healing journey to self-love and acceptance. I am particularly passionate about raising awareness of suicide and speaking openly and honestly about my experience at both ends of the spectrum.
I really feel more suicides could be prevented if people understood that it is impossible to end their life as our soul and spirit continues with the same issues we were having difficulty with here on earth and at some point they will still need be dealt with, either in the various dimensions or during their next incarnation.
It is surely better to stay in the physical body with your loved ones around you and work through your perceived problems so that you can heal what needs to be healed rather end your physical life. I also hope my story of God’s unconditional love helps people who have lost people to suicide to know that their loved ones are not being banished to a life in purgatory and they will one day see them again. I realise once again how blessed I have been having the experiences I’ve had, as they have helped me deal with my grief enormously. I believe the time has come to end the stigma associated with suicide. We need to encourage people to be able to speak openly and honestly about their feelings around suicide, rather than having to hide them like many do, as a dark guilty secret.
There are more young adults under 35 who kill themselves, or attempt to, in the UK and internationally, than any other cause of death. The latest statistics I heard was that one person every forty-three seconds ends his or her life. Perhaps if we could get a life – affirming message out into the world then more suicides could be prevented. If this approach stops just one person from taking the suicide route then surely it’s a message worth sharing.
I know it didn’t help my dad and you could argue that he had no fear of death due to the things I had told him and yes you could be right. However truth be told I don’t think he ever believed what I told him about my experience as other people close to him had made out I was crazy. However since his transition he has confirmed to me via an incredible channeler that he now understands all the stuff I used to talk about. He has had his life review, it was painful at times, as it is for us all but he is now continuing to grow and heal in spirit. His role now in spirit is to help others heal who have transitioned via suicide and he wanted to pass on the message that I too would be helping people affected by suicide on the earth plane. This made me smile, dad and daughter now working in partnership to bring about positive and loving change.
Promotional video for the book I co- wrote with Dr Penny Sartori – Featuring endorsements from Neale Donald Walsch, Anita Moorjani and Dr Eben Alexander.